Love's Keen Sting (or Snape's other worst memory)
by ollieu
Summary: Set after HBP scene where Snape witnesses the exchange between Hermione and Lavender fighting over Ron. He stood quite still remember? but stared at Hermione for a second... Why? What was it that he noticed or was reminded of? "I happen to be his girlfriend!" "And I happen to be his - friend." Read on...
1. Chapter 1

Snape's memory

Scene from HBP film (_you_ _know which_ hehe). This is just after poor Lavender has left crying.

"Oh to be young, and to feel love's keen sting. Well, come away everybody, Mr Weasley is well tended," said Dumbledore sweetly, before everyone exited the hospital wing. As Snape left, he couldn't help but observe how Dumbledore's comment seemed to erupt an unpleasant memory within him, and as he passed the Headmaster on his way down the clock tower, he gave him a rather cold glare. Dumbledore seemed to have anticipated this however, for he merely smiled complaisantly. Having just watched, in silence, the dramatic exchange between the mud- the Granger girl and the all together ridiculous Lavender Brown, Snape had somehow felt an immediate sympathy towards Miss Granger which was so unexpected that he had had to stand stock still, or else reveal his emotions. He remembered precisely her words…

_"I happen to be his girlfriend!" said Lavender in both anger and absolute bewilderment. _

_"And I happen to be his- friend," Hermione stammered feebly. _

Snape reached the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, and proceeded to walk swiftly and silently up to his office which was presently lit dimly by candles. The curtains were drawn, and the air inside was terribly stuffy but Snape nevertheless went up behind his desk and sat down, breathing in the air which suited him, trying to calm down. Yet he could not rid himself of the memory. The memory of Lily…

_Spring 1977 Hospital Wing_

"Miss-Miss Evans," stammered a seventeen-year-old Severus Snape, clutching his knees as he looked up at the nurse, panting from having run from the Slytherin common room. He had just overheard Avery complaining about getting a month's detention for pushing Lily, causing her to fall over and hit her head on a slab of rock. He had been using one of third year Hufflepuffs in order to test out one of Snape's new spells when Lily had appeared, telling him stop. He didn't oblige.

"She's in there, I've just finished tending to her," said the nurse, who was looking at Snape rather skeptically. It wasn't everyday that a Slytherin came to the hospital wing, concerned about a Gryffindor's welfare.

"Is she ok? No major injuries? May I go in?" asked Snape eagerly, and seeing the nurse's hesitant nod, he wasted no time to glide into the hospital wing. He recognised her immediately of course. Her mane of red hair lay on either side of her body, displayed like that of an ornate fan. How could anyone miss it?

"Lily," he murmured softly before shuffling quickly to her bedside. She was asleep and appeared to not be suffering from any major pain. He sighed in absolute relief. Thank god, thank god… His stupid spells. His prejudices and beliefs had turned away the one thing he cherished the most. And there was no way he could get her back. He could only try and protect her from harm's way. That _harm_ was growing stronger and stronger by the day…

Suddenly he froze. He had just realised that he hadn't been this close to Lily since he had called her-. He looked with pain and regret at Lily's pale face, at her eyelids which hid away the irresistible green orbs which did not look his way anymore, which refused to look at him with any warmth. How could he have been so stupid? It had just been a word. One silly word. Hesitantly Snape lifted his hand and placed it on her hair, and tentatively started to stroke it. She always had such soft hair…

Abruptly the hospital doors opened and Snape abruptly stood up, and turned towards the general direction of the sound of footsteps. The moment had vanished, and Snape's sneering and cynical expression showed no signs of what had happened previously. It was like it had never happened.

_Potter, _thought Snape with bitterness. Indeed, the sight in front of him was despicable. Potter had come in, surprisingly without his other "companions"; his face distraught and looking rather helpless. Upon seeing "Snivellus" however, James' expression changed immediately to anger.

"What the bloody hell are you doing here Snivellus?" whispered James, careful to not wake Lily but bitterness still coming through his voice.

"I might ask you same the question," said Snape hoarsely, stepping forward in deviance.

"Er I happen to be her boyfriend!" said James, his voice rising slightly with astonishment that Snape should ask such a stupid question.

"Well I happen to be," retorted Snape before saying feebly, "her - friend."

"Don't make me laugh," said James sarcastically, "you two haven't spoken ages. Actually, for over a year now. I suppose you've come to see to the result of her injuries, now that she's finally been punished for her rescuing which you so clearly despise. Ever since you called her-"

"SHUT UP!" said Snape, brandishing his wand as a sudden rage rose up within him. "You have no idea what you're talking-"

"James?" came a feeble voice next to Snape as he turned his head slowly to see Lily looking at Severus in bewilderment. He stood still, his wand still pointing towards James. She looked at his wand. And then at where it was pointing. Then back at him. Her eyes expressed that of surprise and, Snape's greatest discomfort, horror. He couldn't move. He was stuck. Yet he couldn't bare to look at her for a second longer. James broke the silence first.

"Lily," he said warmly, rushing to her other side. "Lily, are you ok? I heard about how that idiot Avery had tried to-"

"It's ok, I'm fine," said Lily, feeling relief to hear James close to her, and turning towards him as he grasped one of her hands, the other holding her cheek. He stared at her the same way as Snape suspected he had been, only mere moments before.

He couldn't stand it a second longer. Before either of them noticed, he left the hospital wing, gliding silently out, just like he had come in. As he passed the nurse, he saw her look up at him expectantly, but Snape merely sneered at her, causing her to huff in disdain.

Gradually he let the memory fall away… He sighed as he thought back at what Dumbledore had said. He didn't understand.

_Love's keen sting…._ That's what Dumbledore had said. But he was wrong. It wasn't a sting for him and Granger. It was beyond pain, beyond agony. It was hell.


	2. Chapter 2

Set in OotP, after Harry sees "Snape's worst memory"

"Get out, get out, I don't want to see you in this office ever again!" yelled Snape, as Harry left. He hurled a jar towards him, not caring to see whether it hit Potter or not.

_He nearly found out, he nearly found out,_ he thought as he felt himself shivering uncontrollably, out of fear or anger he could not tell. Reaching for the nearest chair before slumping into it, he gazed at his reflection in the glass cabinet. His expression was that of absolute anguish and terror. He turned away, grunting bitterly. How could he have been so stupid! Of course Potter would try and find his weaknesses and taunt him, just like his father! He had not the understanding of- No! _Dumbledore_ was the fool to think he could forget so easily, to forgive so easily, to forgive himself. He was Potter's son, not just any old Gryffindor idiot. He was _Lily's_ son. He turned back to look at the cabinet once more. Tears were now glistening on his cheeks.

"For god's sake!" he said hoarsely, standing up and pacing around the office. "Dumbledore was a fool, an idiot…"

"An idiot? Well, I must admit that I have sometimes misjudged, this being one of them. I hope, however, that you do not think that of me permanently Severus," came the sound of an old man's voice from behind, one which Snape unfortunately knew only too well.

"Why?" asked Snape, turning around as he stood up sharply, slamming his hands onto his desk. "How could you possibly have thought Potter, as well as myself to, to-"

"Because I thought you were strong enough. You mustn't forget that Harry too is in shock Severus. Holding his father in such high esteem, and then to see a version of him, one which at fifteen I must admit is not the same James Potter-"

"And what about me?" retorted Snape, his eyes flashing with anger. He did not care how Dumbledore had somehow known what Potter had done. "You thought that somehow I would just _magically_ put my all feelings aside and-"

"In times like these Severus, sometimes that is necessary. Did I not explain to you, all those years ago, that _that_ would be precisely what would be expected of you?" questioned Dumbledore, staring at Severus firmly above his half-mooned spectacles.

"You are _inhuman _as to expect that I could uphold such an attitude at all times," replied Snape with venom after a moment's silence, walking behind the table to face Dumbledore properly. "Perhaps you even thought t-hat- that I am too shallow to l-lo-"

"Of that I have no doubt," said Dumbledore abruptly. There was a moment's silence where Snape merely stared at Dumbledore incredulously.

"Is that why you have been avoiding Potter? Because you _care_ for him and therefore must appear indifferent-" attacked Snape, sneering at the headmaster.

"That business is to do with me, Severus, and not you. But I see now that I may have pushed you too far, and for that I am sorry-"

"SORRY?!" exploded Snape, marching towards Dumbledore with fury written on his face. "SORRY?! DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME OLD MAN AND SAY THAT YOU'RE SORRY! WE'RE ALL SORRY BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING! TO MAKE ME SEE HIS MEMORIES, TO PUT MINE SO UNGUARDED AS WELL! POTTER NEARLY FOUND OUT THE TRUTH, THE TRUTH YOU PROMISED NO ONE, NO ONE WOULD KNOW!"

"You left him on his own with the Pensieve" said Dumbledore quietly with surprise, but unaffected by Snape's sudden outburst. Or at least that was how he appeared to be.

"Yes," said Snape bitterly, turning away from Dumbledore and looking at the ground. Tears had started again, and he hoped more than anything for Dumbledore to vanish from sight before he saw them.

"Why did you leave him unattended?" asked Dumbledore tentatively.

"What does it matter to you," whispered Snape. "Leave. Please, just- just leave."

He waited till the door was closed before turning around. Dumbledore had left a small note on one of the tables. Snape fought with the conflicted emotions within himself before finally grabbing the piece of paper roughly.

_You may have lost the love of your life that night Severus, but Harry lost also a mother. You have your own mother to thank to be able to love. Never, never be ashamed of that fact. The reason you still live with purpose is because of this. Dark times lie ahead and you mustn't give up. You cannot give up. You cannot _afford_ to give up because then Lily would have died in vain. The fate of our world lies in our hands Severus and you must be ready. You cannot leave this world in vain. _

Snape stared at the parchment for several moments, reading it several times. He was abruptly disturbed by the sound of Fawkes, singing outside in the corridor. He did not know how to respond to such a message. He couldn't think properly. _Get rid of this sentimental rubbish. _As he marched towards the fireplace, arm raised to throw the paper into the flames he abruptly stopped.

He couldn't do it. He didn't know why, but he couldn't. His arm was stuck in midair…..

"Professor," said Draco, as he entered again.

"What is it Draco?" asked Snape, his arms folded behind his back, his expression that of absolute indifference.

"He's stuck again sir. Potter's gone I see?"

"Indeed. It appears that unlike you, he will inevitably never make a very good Potions maker," said Snape as he smirked nastily. "Show me upstairs Draco."


End file.
